Did you know that 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage at some point in their lives? I can guarantee though, that of that 1 in 4, 100% of them are forever changed. How have we made it all the way to 2018 and it’s still a taboo topic?
For the last week, I have been laying in bed every night wondering who my child would have been. Our unexpected, unplanned, big surprise, baby.
Rewind to 12 hours earlier, I was standing in our bathroom watching a pregnancy test like a hawk. Knowing already, that it was positive. When I walked out of the bathroom with eyes the size of teacups, James thought I was messing with him- that I had pulled out our test from Bauz. When he realized this wasn’t a drill, he was happy. I always wanted babies close together, he said, congratulations babe.
I was so busy worrying about the timing of this little babe that I hardly celebrated. We are in the middle of moving cities, my toddler still wakes up more than some newborns and I’m going to have no support system soon. How am I going to do this? Can I be a good mom to two little people that both need so much? I hadn’t planned on having another baby for awhile- Bauzley’s birth left me with a lot of fear. I tossed and turned all night and by morning the initial shock had worn off. James was rubbing my non-existent bump and I was flooded with memories of how we felt finding out we were pregnant the first time.
Shortly after, I went to the bathroom and I was spotting. Deep in my gut I knew it wasn’t good. As the day progressed, the spotting turned into bleeding and the cramping started. I called health link in hopes that they would have something reassuring to say and I hung up feeling worse. Another 12 hours passed, and I woke up in pain. I called my mom in tears knowing that I had to tell her that not only was I pregnant but most likely losing the baby. We went to emerg and waited for 7 hours and through numerous tests, with only a glimmer of hope that somehow this wasn’t happening. The doctor came back to our room and told us that she could see the embryo in the ultrasound, but my blood tests had come back negative for any HCG. The only thing they could assume with the conflicting results was that I had already miscarried or was in the middle of it. We will send you for another ultrasound in 1 week to confirm. Her eyes were sad as she told us we could go home.
I will never forget the moments that passed in the car as we drove home that night. I hated myself for wasting our precious 12 hours we had together worrying. I felt like my body had betrayed me. My heart felt empty and I longed for a baby that I didn’t even know I wanted. I was in love with someone that I will never get to hold, and this past seven days has forever changed my heart.
In the wake of our miscarriage I have found certain things helpful. The obvious being love and hugs from the few people that experienced it with us. Knowing I am not alone through websites/Instagram pages like, @ihadamiscarriage, where these beautiful images are from. And knowing that although my arms are empty, my heart will carry our little one forever.
I believe that there is power in sharing your story, whether it’s easy or not. That for every woman who speaks candidly about miscarriage, another will find solace in their experience. I believe that there is power in vulnerability and we as women should not have to worry about making someone uncomfortable by speaking our truth. I hope in the future that we can say, I had a miscarriage, and find the comfort we so desperately need.